What had the potential to be a great horror flick is completely arthouse. As the title goes, I expect everyone else to be dead by the end of the movie and the two lovers who look like they’ve never seen the
business end of a hairbrush will be, in fact, the last characters left alive.
In a perfect world, they would then have to duel to the death so there will be one final girl (or guy). Wait, I’m thinking of Highlander again.
Instead, we deal with a bratty sister, a juicebox named Ian, and the blah-blah background of the city formerly known as Detroit. There’s a cameo by Jack White’s house as the characters drive around ad nauseam talking about absolutely nothing. It’s like the aftermath of a Quentin Tarantino film. The Only Lovers are Adam and Eve, and they’re vampires, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from the movie because they are never referred to as such, which makes some of the blood-drinking scenes a touch awkward.
There are a few high points though: Adam cobbles together the most awkward machine to initiate a Skype call/Facetime/Whatever with Eve while she just uses an iPhone. He later uses the alias “Dr. Faust” while arranging for a supply of “the Good Stuff.” Eve and Adam also have opposing colors (Adam in black and Eve in white) to drive the dichotomy home, and there are even blood popsicles. Who doesn’t love blood popsicles?
By the end, the mystery of the missing hairbrush has not been solved, and everyone is still the same amount of alive as they were to begin with (with the exception of a few casualties along the way).